WHAT GETS MY POST TRAUMATIC GENERAL RELATIVITY GOAT RIMBAUD?

Last night was the longest amount of time i've sat in my room in the company of a male friend since Feb 13th 2011:

[that date being the last time i stood in this room, holding onto my broken bones while a full-blown psychopath thrashed about destroying my shit (not including the 3am break-in that occurred 2 weeks later), and simultaneously giving my roommate/landlord the real reason why i should be evicted~eh whatever. wrote a song about it that i care about more than either one of those 2 fuckers.]

lo and behold, here i was, actually feeling nearly comfortable. i didn't flinch, didn't feel weird if my back was turned toward him, i was not afraid to leave him unattended in my room with my piano....and i thoroughly enjoyed having a conversation with someone who knows when to write "you're" not "your"  -- albeit my reoccurring case of mouth-diarrhea. it was good to be around someone who was there because i'm a person, not because they want a tattoo, or because they want to make their partner jealous, or expect anything from me. we were just Being There.

after the movie was over and he went home in the wee hours, for no reason that i can explain, as soon as i sat back down in that spot that i've been sitting in for these long 5 years, i just started bawling like a baby. 

i'm not even sure if it's because i was happy that i was able to enjoy the company of another person for that many hours in my room, or if it was gratitude for the body and spirit's unquenchable ability to heal, survive and overcome trauma, or if it was the still present underlying fear of ever being close to anyone again - maybe even the loss of that fear - if i let people into my life again, am i just going to make all the same mistakes and find myself in the cross hairs of another cunning sociopath's gun? (i don't feel my current company was anything like some of the people i used to hang out with; he's a much gentler person and made no demands on me, but it's more about the ACT of letting someone in as opposed to the person themselves.)

i'm 5 years old again, completely helpless in the face of being a full grown fucking human being that Cannot Deny that it DOES feel better when there is some form of social contact, even if it's just a meager amount. talked myself down fairly quickly though, made another cup of tea and tried to stick with thinking about other things today instead, like how amazingly awesome that movie was…especially the ending, and in fact, i think INTERSTELLAR could possibly be the Best Film I've Ever Seen, despite how much others say they hated it.

i also absolutely LOVED "ALL IS LOST" which is one of those films that only a person who has experienced the broken-down-on-the-side-of-the-road-dragging-a-ton-of-bricks-and-an-empty-gas-can-to-the-next-town-that-might-as-well-be-a-thousand-miles-away-but-you-have-no-choice-but-to-deal-with-this-difficult-situation-so-you-do-just-that-&-deal-with-it-scenario could appreciate. people who have not lived through much hardship hated that movie too. they found it boring. because all those quiet subtle moments where it's just you and that cold wet cement you're up against, but somehow you find a small piece of string hanging off the end of your sweater that just might hold your heart in it's chest cavity long enough to get to the next tiny moment which offers you some small but immense feeling of relief that you've made it this far. 

i've seen a shit load of films…..

BUT HERE'S WHAT GETS MY OVER-GENERALIZING GOAT:

every big space adventure movie is always about how necessary it is to save the human race and yet the reality of our current situation on this planet clearly shows us that if people had any interest in saving the human race, along with all the other species facing extinction, all those billions of dollars would be spent on stopping the rape of planet earth, instead of perpetuating it, even if out of our own apathy and/or nihilism.  and yet, just as it is the case with Burning Man, we humans always seem more willing to spend way too much money, effort and time to EXPERIENCE CREATIVITY AS A REMOTE ESCAPE FROM THE REALITY OF OUR LIVES IN SOCIETY instead of CREATING A DAILY REALITY WITHIN OUR OWN COMMUNITY THAT WE DO NOT FEEL A NEED TO ESCAPE FROM, experiencing a society made better with all that money, effort and time, a society into which you do not need to decompress before reentry.

but the impetus for this kind of shift would probably only occur after some drastic loss of convenience, after people had overcome their cell phone separation anxiety, and start to see things differently  -- really SEE just how much blood is dripping off all of our hands, to hold that bottle of water after you've just gulped the last drop, and KNOW this plastic bottle in your hand will exist on this earth LONGER THAN YOU WILL for that short 10 minutes of refreshment. refreshment who's RIGHTS HAVE BEEN BOUGHT, yes water rights, by yet another corporation. 

it's the same thing that is so frustrating when it comes to every genius invention or discovery that could potentially do so much GOOD, but the best ideas are derailed or corrupted in order to cause more harm. 

for example, the Rife machine, which can cure just about every disease known to mankind through the direct application of FREQUENCIES that alter or eliminate that molecular structure. it's been discredited widely by mainstream funded experts saying some people still died. yes, people do still die. in fact, the number of people dying every year from side effects on psychotropics is over 100,000. but if it's got the stamp of approval from "trusted" medical establishments, it's ok that so many people are test subjects for this great experiment that has yet to actually substantiate any of it's claims. better still if those people are poor. 

our endless anthropocentrism = thinking we humans are The Shit, and still doing Really Stupid Things to the earth like FRAKKING without having an ounce of distrust that the ENERGY COMPANIES THAT EXIST FOR PROFIT, NOT BECAUSE THEY LOVE US are lying about how much methane is leaking into the atmosphere and making our situation 8X WORSE than it was with coal emissions.... and we cannot claim ignorance anymore, we already have all the pieces of the puzzle and slowly as people lose their fear of how they will be judged by the mainstream, the parts will come together.  once that habitual assumption of respect for some antiquated authority erodes after everyone knows that the authority figure was secretly fucking all those kids behind closed doors, the authority figure cannot keep the fear mongering machine going because now you reject it's authority and no longer listen to it.

none of this, in my book, will be possible for the human race in general, until one thing becomes crystal clear: ALBERT EINSTEIN DID NOT DISCOVER THE THEORY OF RELATIVITY ON HIS OWN. Mileva Maric, his wife, saw this in a dream, and brought it to the chalkboard to work it out with her (then, EQUAL) husband....only to be whitewashed from it's publication, divorced, and eventually committed to a mental institution purposefully, so that she could be closer to hers & albert's schizophrenic son.  if the human race can't even bring itself to admit that one half of it's population is worth being considered equal, not treated like a dog tied up in the back yard, or paid less than, or derided when in positions that "should be" held by the other half of the population, then we don't DESERVE to fuckin live. i've heard a theory on why man looks upon something beautiful, loves it, then goes about destroying it -- because he has no uterus. he cannot create life. and since women CAN create life (with men's spooge duh!) then, she shouldn't be allowed to DO ANYTHING ELSE OTHER THAN GIVE LIFE.  pfffft.   and the LAST thing this planet needs right now is More Fuckin Human Beings.  so uterus-envy. get over yourself. although, the upside of that is, if men could give birth, abortion would probably be globally legal and more children would grow up without being damaged by parents that didn't really want them = less crime = less drug addiction = less sexual slavery = less of lots of shit that all stems from the fact that women are still not 100% allowed to have control over their own reproductive systems. 

it's easy to become overwhelmed in that scenario, and the ONLY way anyone could sane in the process of so much fluctuation would be to look at the changes ahead in the same way that the surviving mountain climber actually made it down off the mountain in that documentary K2 == never look at the TOTAL DISTANCE you need to cover.  Look only at the next small mile marker and aim for that. once you make it there, aim for the next small mile marker, and just keep going, in small increments... 

The Mother of Invention once told me in a lucid dream:

"If you take lots of little steps to hell, 

you will eventually end up in hell. 

If you take lots of little steps to heaven, 

you will eventually end up in heaven."

To which Rimbaud now replies:

"To whom shall I hire myself out?

What beast must I adore?

What holy image is attacked?

What hearts must I break?

What lie must I maintain?

In what blood tread?"

P>S> regarding the recent double-edged event of the solar and lunar eclipses & 

all the crazy things happening everywhere therein...

don't think i'm done processing the effects of this major shift yet...

still trying out this Becoming Friends With Death & Endings, but we're still in the honeymoon phase

and so far, it's like depeche mode says:

it's a lot

*u can call me ph!*

FASNACHT & THE BODY'S NEED FOR DARKNESS

i've been searching for the origin of why, for as long as i can remember, every february of every year, i would experience a severe deathwishism.  a pattern i had not noticed until 3 years ago when it got so severe, that a month-long mantra began: 

just hold on 
just breathe 
do not hit yourself in the head with that hammer 
this feeling will pass 
just hold on 
do nothing rash
on march 1st
remember february last



i had remained convinced that it was yet another childhood trauma that might never be discovered. i even asked my parents about chronological events, which of course, produced no results. 




this morning, while watching a documentary about jung called "the wisdom of dreams", there was a scene of basel fasnacht, the yearly festival in switzerland, germany and some parts of the netherlands in which the city turns out all of it's street lights and for 3 days celebrates the end of winter and the coming of spring. predating christianity, it has been incorporated into the week before lent when all pantries are emptied of sweets and fats and consumed in feast - similar to fat tuesday, also called dirty thursday. most other festivals during the year are male-dominated, but fasnacht enters as the woman in black, she is allowed to kiss every man she sees and cuts the ties of all businessmen that cross her path as this is her celebration of the non-workday. it is also imbued with open mockery of political figures, and allows people to speak truths while wearing hilarious and grotesque masks and marching through a flurry of confetti to the cocaphany of drums and piccolos wailing. 

it was a scene of the fantastically painted lanterns, spinning from out of the dark alleyways at the festival's start time of 4am that triggered this memory of The Something That Caused Deathwish February, for without an annual celebration of Truth, Liberation, Free Speech, Mockery Thru Art and The Small Beautiful Light In The Sea Of Total Darkness that Fasnacht represents during the first four years of my life, i sensed subconsciously that something was not getting expressed or released at this time, and would then, like clockwork, turn inward and attempt to self-destruct.

in the same way that the disneyland ride "it's a small world" seems boring to an adult, to a child in the darkness, trapped in a small boat, surrounded by strange faces singing funny and frightening songs, it is a nightmare...and nightmares are the key to awakening lucid dreams, those dreams then bring you to the doorway of the higher mind, whereupon the realm of collective consciousness is discovered. 

*u can call me ph!*

introverted with jung

in dreams we enter a world entirely our own

.

it's weird, some of these Children of the Black Sun pages take me about 4 hours to finish, others, like this one, take almost 4 days. dunno why...process is as process does i guess.
"I DO I UNDO I REDO" as the sculptor Louise Bourgeois says.

it felt extremely validating to see this video. inadvertently came across it during one of those nights when i realize i haven't spoken to anyone in days, and in that Something Must Be Wrong With Me head space that wonders why i'm not Out There with some misguided and doomed to fail attempt at having a social life. but group dynamics and empty words really don't do anything for me in terms of feeling good about life. so alone at home i stay, with whatever slight breeze of tranquility i can experience over a good cup of tea.


found this little recording the other day, and although it's difficult to remember ever committing it to tape at some point in the last 4 weeks...there it is. i would imagine that it sounds like the closest thing to happiness i'll ever know because it is so small and short and fleeting and fragile. don't try cramming it into a jar with a bunch of butterflies, they will all die.
a tiny light returns like fireflies at the end of summers night

*u can call me ph!*