most of what they say to your face is completely meaningless, especially when it involves some action, or remembering that they said these meaningless words to a person who might be thinking their words were sincere. but they are not. they are just words.
time and time again, on the increasingly rare occasions that i do see or talk to anyone for more than one second, i hear the same things come out of people's mouths, things said just to be polite, but no actual intention or meaning or solidity resides in politeness, it's just another form of fear. not that it upsets me at all, in fact, now i just find it funny. the little plays they put on for each other, but it's all just fake.
so now i know why no one listens to me, because everyone here talks total bullshit, so they've all learned not to listen to each other, especially if there's a drink in the hand and blah blah blah.
but now i also know why others act all weirdly surprised when i actually do the things that were talked about previously. so much wasted angsty energy trying to figure out what the fuck is wrong with people here in california, and had i known this earlier...but oh well.
so restless, and still confused but strangely calm.
can't leave here soon enough and can't actually afford to go anywhere yet.
oh, also i have absolutely no fucking idea where the hell i think i'm going.
but it is time to go, that's for sure.
i've enjoyed saying good bye to people without them knowing it's the last time i'll see them.
there's no reason to make a big production out of it.
no need to be polite and fake. it just wastes time.
time better spent contemplating how and where and what to live for.
no whom. just me, the light that loves me, and the soft breeze that kisses tears dry.
til death do i wait to part.
*u can call me ph!*
