d.i.y. tree light made with what was apparently, My Stick Collection - which sounded weird until i saw the remarkable film "Beauty is Embarrassing"....

*u can call me ph!*

Lay Down

lately, i've been noticing that my body REALLY dislikes being exposed to the sun's radiation until it is at least at a 45 degree angle from my face. it Actually Hurts.

here is a video i just made of a song recorded on an analogue 4 track in october 2001. the photo was taken in london the same year.

Lay Down


*u can call me ph!*

This will stay with you until you die

a Deletist 3rd Class version of a Big Black song...
jordan minn


*u can call me ph!*

variations on a theme

LITTLE ANGELFUCK

CTRL/v\3RR0R version of a Misfits song that sounds nothing like the original cuz i don't see the point of doing that...if a cover sounds exactly the same, you might as well listen to the original, therefore, this is not so much a cover song, as it is a variation on the theme of LITTLE ANGELFUCK .



*u can call me ph!*

here is your big CAREER!

"here is your big career" by bitter pie 2013 ink on paper 3x5 feet

"oops there it goes..."

 "it looks like shit"

"net worth about two dollars and fourteen cents"

"most [friends/coworkers/people] rip me off"

"reaping only more disdain"

"it looks like shit"

"you are going to end up [___].  you are too independent. you are autistic. you are overbearing. you are so strong."

"the only time i feel happy to be alive is when i am alone."

*ugh!*

mind control

healing happens -- finally, after waiting over two years to find any humor at all in post-trauma, suddenly one day i was walking home from work in oakland at sunset and this memory became the most hilarious, balls out funny thing ever:::

Noise Show @ Amnesia 2+ years ago in which i showed up with a psychotic homophobic man child during the first (and only) week we were happy together.  weirdly i watched as many of my male friends gathered around and began personifying apes.  For over 2 years i've been in yer face, single as fuck, but you want nothing to do with me - even going as far as Actively Ignoring me. BUT NOW, the second i appear to be "with" some dude, you suddenly start making interested motions.

it makes me wonder if there was any actual interest in me as a human being, or if i am only considered the female pawn in some grand pissing contest a bunch of men are all having with each other.  uch. i was LIVID>>but that's not the funny part.

unbeknownst to me, my "boyfriend" then went about hitting on every one of those guy friends of mine even though he's "not gay" and then proceeded to beat some crap outta me later that night because i'm "too much like a dude".....

 
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HA
hilarious.

making this album saved my life...

i think i hate my own blagh....

*ugh!*

which is why i tend to post more often on the deletist/das blut/bleakhaus blog.
i'll bet it's because of something stupid like being more comforted by the colors of the page...
i spent WAY TOO MUCH TIME redesigning the bitter pie comix website in White instead of Black because i was trying to like, i dunno, *Be More Positive* (she says with a sneer) but my fuckin chi is All About the black page with red and white text bitches, i just cannot help my Ever So Demanding Aesthetic Values that O.C.D.-up my weekends CONSTANTLY...
but, ya know... i'm unemployed so at least rearranging objects and painting furniture keep me outta trouble...

extremely soon:
My Massive Ejection of All Negative Past Leftover Crap and Every Remnant of Every ManBoy Who Ever Left His DNA In My Space will be complete and my sanctuary/design-factory/recording-studio/tattoo-parlour/artist-live/work-space/bedroom WILL BE CLEANSED AND I MAY CONTINUE TO WORK IN COMPLETE HARMONY WITH MY SURROUNDINGS THUS MAKING WORK MORE EFFICIENT, FOCUSED AND PLEASURABLE!!!
(it's easier to clean for sterility/tattoo certification with the added bonus of being able to bolt from the grid at a moment's notice.)

it is fairly possible that Bitter Pie Comix #20 might be the last issue "printed" of this 10+ year long series since there are STILL new copies sitting at Last Gasp from when i initially released it, so unlike all the other issue releases in terms of moving units at least to regular subscribers....

**and i know exactly why**
MY PEOPLE DON'T REALLY LIVE IN THIS TOWN ANYMORE.
INSTEAD OF BEING AT THE ANARCHIST BOOK FAIR SELLING DIY WARES (FROM MY $25 TABLE, SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE WHO ARE ANGRY BUT PRODUCTIVE ABOUT IT AS WELL), over THE LAST COUPLE YEARS, book fair TABLE FEES have inflated to $175. NOT EVEN THE SLIGHTEST GLIMMER OF a CHANCE THAT I COULD GO AND DISTRIBUTE ART & EXPRESSIONS. GOLDEN GATE PARK IS NOW A PRIVATIZED MOTHERFUCKING MOGUL PIMPING OUT THE ONCE-PUBLIC PARK, PEOPLE NOW MUST PAY FOR THE PRIVILEGE OF BEING OUTSIDE NEAR TREES.
THE LAST ZINE FEST I ATTENDED WAS DIRE AS WELL.
A SADLY SLIM MARGIN OF ATTENDEES WERE DOWN WITH "A DARK SIDE", OR "ANGRY", MAYBE "POLITICALLY MINDED", PERHAPS "HAVING A PAIR OF NUTS AND A BRAIN CAPABLE OF CRITICAL THINKING INSTEAD OF BEING A VAPID POP LOVIN BEIGE WEARIN BIG DUMB SUNGLASSES SPORTIN APATHETIC HANDBAG THAT ONLY WANT TO SPEND DADDY'S MONEY ON THINGS THAT ARE CUTE."

i knew my time had come and gone.
my audience now exists in another dimension, as i cling to this weathered rent-controlled row boat, narrowly avoiding The On$laught of Invading FratBoy & SororityGirl Fucktards That are Entitled to Follow and Ruin All Colorful Pockets of Affordable Existence Whence The Creative Roses Grow in Life's Inspired Piss & Blood Filled Gutters, Only To Be Ejected From Said Gutters By The Societal Hip&Cool Cyclops Eye That Has Again Spotted Some Shabby Roses Having a Fairly Good Time Together For Once In Their Miserably Struggling Fucking Lives.

might keep drawing charlott as a small occasional e-strip-zine-thingy so that she'll stop looking at me with those imploring eyes...!!
something completely different, as in graphic novel, is about 8 1/2 months pregnant but i say no more so that it does not end in miscarriage.

Here's some music/noise/cinematic projects that may or may not still be currently breathing, some dead in divinity, some screaming like squirming hairless skin prickly little kittens: ok? ok.
http://www.youtube.com/user/0deletist0

blue monday

 

FAIR WARNING, this is the polar opposite of a dance track, SO TURN IT UP!

recorded this in about 2 or 3 takes on monday afternoon. 
it's the newest addition for of the upcoming deletist / big black butthole
"3rd class" cover songs album. i say 'album' loosely as i only wish i had the money 
to release on vinyl, even if just for the thrill of making the album cover, 
and including all the crazy inner sleeve art.
you know how it was growing up...  

it's not perfect, but i am learning how to "highlight the imperfections" rather than strive 

for some insane and unrealistic version of perfection that never happens anyway. 
besides, it's just noise. albeit this one was a rather sad noise, but, you know after 
the last 6 months i've had, it's not surprising something sad, 
instead of immensely wrathful, came out of me.
of course, it was followed by 13 solid hours of crying. 
i knew it was all gonna come out of the holes in my face sooner or later.

afterward, i felt clean 
and ok with letting all that shit + *bloodlust* go...
crawling out from the catharsis bath..... 
quite a nice change of pace really.

not to say i don't still owe a couple people One Swift Kick In The Nuts.

so, yeah, cover songs. don't sue me.
i'm unemployed.
it would be a total waste of your precious time.

if it is indeed true that ox is correct and our unemployment 
has been extended, then that time, 
you will see the results of unkempt productivity as it spews out from my damaged brain. 
ok?

you SURE you're ok with that?

oh well, i'm gonna do it anyway.

thanks for your interest and support.
you know there's nothing worse than being ignored
and having your efforts devalued.

so remember:

DON'T BE A DICK!

 

free mp3 downloads

because listening should always be free. 

Big Black Butthole ist Deletist spiele auf das blut in der Bleakhaus!

noise & doom blog now up - 
scraped together by the deletist a.k.a. big black butthole for news, photos, videos, audio, 
reviews and opinions concerning local sf noise shows whether or not they are held inside bleakhaus - 
it's a bedroom overlooking mission street, not really a friggin concert hall, yo. 
  
besides booking other bands, i also plays cello / oboe / piano / harmonium / blood in other projects ::  
Weltschmerz - cellos of doom! 
Das Blut - self-mutilation causes bleeding during minimalist instrumental improvisations. 
die der das - is an alarm call. 
and one as of yet unnamed project performing Murder Ballads. 

yeah. so that's that. i play lots of free shows.

the art of dying

finished some new paintings.  and it felt good. 

this one is called Tsunami Tsurvivor. i immediately gave it to my friend jenner 
for helping me cope during that difficult break up with the guy who sent me 
into a post-traumatic stress induced psyche ward visit, involuntarily...

not fun. 

it's always easier to let go on a piece of free foam core or wood that you found 
in the street for free than it is to get all stressed out about how Good it might 
turn out having spent too much money on canvas and shit...

lately, i've realized i'm one of those people that's always late to the party. 

most of the things i become interested in are on their last legs in terms of 
viable options in this ever expanding smart phone world with apps up the ass. 
i have neither. but i still use an slr camera with black and white film when i can 
cuz the magik of light on metal will somehow always mean more to me that the 
digital interpretation of that alchemic dance. 

not that i don't love low light situations 
and the flexibility digital cameras can have at night. they're also good for shooting 
weird pictures in your room at 3am while naked and freaking out about 
what the fuck yer gonna do when the unemployment check runs out....

SPEAK TO ME NOT OF JUSTICE FOR NONE HAVE I EVER SEEN

though i'm still learning the ins and outs of tattooing, i love it already.

whenever a certain mood comes over me, it's the best and most

productively creative cure.

this first attempt is a quote from an Emperor song 
that is one of the most beautiful lines i've ever felt  
toll on my death bell.

there are a lot of other things i could do to myself 
that would be a hell of a lot worse than  

drawing into my skin.

and i can't be all that bad of a tattoo artist 
as it just got included on Word Made Flesh! 
a site for literary tattoos..
makes you wanna read more.
yay...

thanks to the recluse for validating my little cold world...

blinded by the blight.

so angry... 

booze and/or drugs don't even soften it up anymore. 
the lies, betrayal, the manipulation, the self-deprecation, etc.
all the wonderful things intimacy brings out in people.

even the few "good" memories just seem like a huge pathetic waste of time now.

oh well. 
i'll make the emotional hail come out in some manner of productiveness,
(as if i had a choice) 

in some volatile burst of creation. 

relationships continue to be the one thing i cannot master.

art and music are so much more fulfilling.

they might be equally disappointing though, when no one notices 

and you hear that voice in your head say,

"all that work for nothing." 

but it's better than being beaten to death by some dickhead 

for absolutely  

no reason.

it's the simple things that keep you in line with yourself.