it's always a little bit disappointing when you realize not everyone who is creative also understands the fabric of collective thinking, or gets the theory of Mutual Aid. When the ugly head of possession instead of involvement rears up, it's not only disappointing, it's like a kick in the gut to us sensitive types.
i will always choose to know the Truth when it is knowable.
yeah, i know how acrid it tastes, but it's always better To Know, than to go on believing a sweet and tidy delusion. a person's true colors always reveal themselves sooner or later. and yeah that hurts too, finding out how someone you almost trusted Really Feels About You.
but what the fuck can you do?
other than walk away and let go, not much.
how can anything be fixed or repaired if one or both parties shows no interest in communicating clearly and perhaps Resolving Their Issues with each other and being even better friends afterwards?
it's easy to see how some relationships were not actual friendships to begin with, but just products of convenience because you both worked at that place. but once you no longer work there, it's next to nothing, that supposed friendship. communicating would now require effort, so that makes it pretty obvious who actually Wants to see you or talk to you and vice versa.
there's an older chinese woman who helps run the luggage store below bleakhaus - during the summer that i tried to make the front room into a tattoo studio, all kinds of shit was falling out of the broken windows as i was attempting to fix things...she was so pissed and yelling at me, i was pissed and yelling at her that it was an accident, and pissed that i'm trying to better this falling-apart poor house while no one else gives a fuck. a couple days later, i saw her outside and apologized for yelling at her, she did too, & we commented on the fact that the landlord will never fix anything but that's the price we pay for having cheap rent, so we shrugged and stopped being mad at each other.
ever since then, she smiles warmly at me, and i return the sentiment = BECAUSE WE GOT PAST BEING ANGRY AT ONE ANOTHER. so in some ways, i feel closer to the chinese lady downstairs than i do to most people i wish i could call my friends; people who will NEVER air their real feelings or be willing to resolve issues, or say anything confrontational for whatever lame unspoken reasons... you know, All Those Things You Talk About Together During The Winter Months When You're Trapped Indoors & Forced To Deal With Each Other Til You Can't Stand It, Then Spring Comes & You Feel Closer To Them Now That You've Weathered That Winter Together.
i like the cold. i like snow. i like being so frozen that i am numb FOR REAL instead of only emotionally. i even like the pain of feeling returning with warmth.
it doesn't snow here.
lesson learned: be more careful about who i let into my life. but i am actually hopeful about being around others of a creative bent who Do Understand That When You Share Your Joy With Others Rather Than Taking Possession Of It, Everyone Within That Circle Of Creative Joy Enjoys It More. All those ideas or inspirations that come to you, as if you are just a radio, both transmitting and receiving, do not debase themselves with ownership, just as a radio does not consider the radio show as Belonging To The Radio Through Which You Heard That Broadcast.
example 1: i asked my "friend" to move into the empty room at bleakhaus. she did. later in a group setting outside of the house, she said to a bunch of folks there, "Let's all go to My House." i replied, "Yes, let's all go there, to Your House." she blushed and stammered, "oh yeah, you live there too." it's painfully simple: the word you are looking for is not Mine or Yours, it's OURS.
perhaps in this culture of media sponsored fear-mongering and self-inflicted isolation, people have completely abandoned having thoughts about others at all in any platonic sense.
example 2: all week, in preparation for Going On Tour, i've been hauling massively large and heavy items on my bike rack on bart because i do not own a car. for all the 10 to 15 times the heavy items fell over or got caught in the turnstile, or were difficult to maneuver around rush hour traffic, an amazing but astonishingly LOW number of people acknowledged that i looked like i was having trouble and offered to help me - 3 people to be exact. 3 out of the close to 60 people witnessing these difficult events. (i say "witnessing" loosely since most people's heads are up there arsedroids) some rude cunts even went so far as to STEP OVER ME, like i am a pile of garbage and not a person going in the same direction they are, and then throwing me this stink-eyed look for being one of those pieces of shit that needs to Make Way for The Great White Zombie Plague of The Entire Bay Area.
honestly, collective thinking is the ONLY way mankind has even the slightest shred of hope in evolving at all. if more than 51% of the human population never come to understand this, and continue to just STEP OVER OTHERS (all forms of consciousness included) we're all doomed.
oh well, at least i tried. yes, i failed. but i tried nonetheless.
a gentle fuck you if you don't like it, i'm going to keep trying.
trying to not harden in spite of how others sometimes mistreat me,
or actively ignore me - while i take it with a pinch of salt for my own
oversensitiveness and autistic inability to act UNWEIRD around others.
trying to keep my sense of fairness and generosity.
trying to continue committing acts of kindness toward other humans.
trying not to get angry when they don't say thank you.
and trying to stick with the simplest mantra for life ever:
Don't Be A Dick.
god love all those assholes steeped in ignorance, indifference and greed,
but i don't have to.
i've got memory encrusted objects, both good and bad, to burn in the fire, to drown in the water, to let go of in the wind, to bury in the dirt.
*u can call me ph!*