no? u left this conversation...oh. ok....thanks.
so i'm standing here talking to myself. just like real life. no one is listening to my yelping for help cunt face so i need to find some support in the imaginary friends safety net inside my own head again. again. and again and again anyway, i can't expect people who are capable of having actual relationships with other people to understand what this kind of relentless alienation and detachment really feels like. although i did try. again. i tried again to actually hang out with someone for the first time in 5 years...but i could tell he he was rejecting my ass over some really shallow and lame cosmetic flaw that's only occurred twice in my entire life before, a cosmetic flaw i have put up with for countless uncomfortable nights from other unforgiving men. and i didn't even get laid on my last week in sf because i didn't really wanna get laid - what's the point of that - other than the pleasure i get to feel giving pleasure to someone else, and that used to be as much pleasure as i could let myself have, but now i want a lot less.
i only wanted some fucking human contact like a stupid but sincere hug or some small stroking of my head like a cat in yer lap, but nope. i don't get to have even that from the precious few whom i would feel comfortable enough to let those things be something we could do. and now i'm a shiftless, fluctuating overly organized mess, stuck in between dumb girl thoughts with my thumb up my ass, constantly failing at everything i try to fuckin do in life.
the second someone with a thinking brain walks into the room, someone that also seems willing to listen to the avalanche falling out of my mouth, the failing begins. and the longer i go with no contact, the worse those brief episodes of contact with others become. for all the bitching i do about other bitches not having my back, i even threw myself under the bus for some deluded notion of being attracted at last to the idea of companionship and it only lasted like 3 days before he could see my human side and get good & disappointed with one of the millions of things i lack in every man's list of what makes me a non-viable woman, but WHY did all that just HAVE TO happen during the ONE WEEK of the year i had shit happening already??? it all fucked my focus up from getting to fucking go to denver noise fest, shifting focus not only on the task at hand of cramming 10 years of heavy thoughts into a shoebox, quitting all thoughts of all former jobs, emptying out the bank, knowing no more checks are coming to feel up yer ass, tying up all hanging strands of the past and pushing that gigantic sisyphus rock up a long ramp into the moving van [127 times planned but less than a third having been accomplished]...but only after FIRST spending a huge and unforeseen amount of time cleaning out the one ton pile of crap left behind by the previous inconsiderate fucker who graces me with the great pleasure of CLEANING UP AFTER HIM before i am allowed to EVEN BEGIN THE PROCESS OF MOVIN IN.
and still to allow myself some meager few hours after dealing with all that shit to enjoy someone's company while no longer standing on my swollen and aching feet or carrying heavy things with excema covered hands whose skin blisters open, a painful cry upon every item held. seems simple enough...
but everything is difficult.
we think so much alike, he and i, on subjects of solitude and such, so in the feelings of being rejected by him, it was as if i was rejecting myself, and i WAS rejecting myself, and still am rejecting that Dumb Girl part of myself that Wants To Be With Someone Else because SHE was the person who would pick up the phone and call back into the room the one person that was treating me like Total Shit ~ just to avoid loneliness....she was willing to PUT MY LIFE AT RISK in order to avoid loneliness, and i was not having that! so i told that part of myself that cries on the cold sheets to the sound of other people always leaving, that she was no longer allowed to Want That. and i have been a lot happier since i silenced that part of myself...but here she was again, yearning, whining, desperate for affection. i don't hate her and i don't pity her, i'm just patient with her because she has yet to UNDERSTAND what it means to Fully Embrace Hopelessness... in an effort to bring humor into the equation, i often have to remind her that Every Man is Gay whenever i hear her weeping pleas from the back corner, and that usually gets a little giggle aroused and allows me to carry on doing whatever i was doing before she tried to distract me with this Ever Elusive Thing The Media and Other People Like to Show Me Truly Exists: happy, healthy relationships.
clearly, this is something that i cannot have or am capable of doing...especially if all my self-reliance, confidence and self-control fly out the window the second someone i like shows me the slightest shred of kindness because as soon as i allow anyone into my life, i get instantly confused by the emo stampede and thus become a miserable fuck under the inevitable critical eye that will only rest when it no longer likes what it's looking at. there is no need to pick apart something that contains no desire. the pupils no longer dilate, the struggle, the fight, the light has left the eyes. i've been lucky most of the time that the people who do show me kindness do not waken in me that yearning Dumb Girl because in general, i have no desire to share intimate parts of my life with them. but when someone comes along that does waken her, i have to gag her before she opens her mouth and ruins what could be a beautiful mutually beneficial friendship by expressing her hopeless cries for a warm safe embrace that will not despise her for her vulnerability.
unfortunately, life has taught me that men have the uncontrollable compulsion whenever they see something they love to possess it, or control it, or ultimately, destroy it instead of being able to appreciate it without smothering it to death, to love it in the way they love themselves by letting it breathe. in the same way that when we see something in ourselves we love, we hide it from others so that they cannot come and take it away from us and in hiding it, we are destroying it by not letting it become a visible part of our lives.
biology however, has also taught me that the second my brain releases oxytocin to try and attach to someone, it backfires all of my normal thought processes - wanting the hug and feeling all warm & fuzzy instead skips straight to the hug is gonna stab me in the back. so it's not a soft lullaby like it should be, it's an alarm call. and it fucking hurts every fucking time. even when there is no hug at all. the wanting hurts. it's pathetic, a completely natural hormone instantly turns me into a desperate dejected piece o' shit 45 year old adolescent outpatient, compound fractures of reoccurring severe depressions piling up on top of each other and going all suicide watch-like, but at the same time, unable to take any of my own pitifully melodramatic shit seriously cuz it just doesn't even matter to me anymore. i'll tear all my skin off then put my guts on blast, stand back, point and laugh at it just like everyone else, but even that kind of decentralized self-frakking doesn't actually include me, as if i were a person whose presence mattered, even if just to facilitate the funneling of energy from/to, but none of it belongs to me, none of it is mine, none of it loves me or hates me, some of it would fuck me as long as it's girlfriend never found out, but none of it would take me home, none of it cares whether or not i live or die, it'll just find another hole to funnel through, and everything i've ever done or thought or written or made is just irrelevant. the irrelevance of i is the absolute joke.
everything's coming together. everything's falling apart.
it all sux so hard and is all so gorgeously fleeting and fragile that it's almost totally fuckin hilarious. sometimes i wonder if i were ever captured by a psychopath serial killer and tortured in his basement, would i, at some point, just start laughing? this, being the culmination of my entire at-the-hands-of-someone-else-but-struggling-daily-against-the-tide-of-victimization-fallout life, laughing past all the pain thresholds as he's kicking my face in, laughing through the gurgling shredded lumps of wet bloody flesh my head soon becomes, the laughter being me, not the body cavity that he is now deconstructing on the grimy oil stained cement floor, liquid slanting half of me down toward the drain, the core still buzzing and humming like a florescent tube, darting in and out, palpitating, twitching under uneven gasps, a lash, a beating, a laughing breath. i know that laughing breath, i know that clear smiling light that does not die, infinite, it let go of a yellow balloon as a child, it did not cry, hung it's little head out the car window, giggling and waving it goodbye, watching the yellow balloon drift away with the wind, the string dangling as a body does yearning to be heard on the ground, waving and going away yellow going away blue up past the trees into the soft sunlit clouded sky.
ok, i'm done complaining to the digital universe. thanks for listening during those times that you actually were...i don't blame u for ignoring me either tho. it's all very boring & repetitive & meaningless. i get it, why nobody gives a fuck. so i'm gonna shut up now and go move all my crap into a truck at 1 am...nope. can't do it. cannot be that totally inconsiderate asshole neighbor that moves their shit out at 1 am. maybe just go away somewhere, quietly instead.
shivering. so cold... but it's better than being too hot.
*u can call me ph!*