2.26.2015

the art of NO

AFTER THE VERY LAST LIVE SHOW IN SF
a girl came up to me and said she liked the sound of the tea kettle boiling at the end... i'm not sure if she meant it as a compliment or an insult, but it's actually hilarious cuz  THE VERY FIRST LIVE SHOW IN SF i took part in was at kimo's, 1998. my friend gabe's experimental noise band was onstage and invited people to come up and scream in the mic, so chupa and i ran up there and did just that. behind us was a single burner with a kettle slowly coming to a boil, and of course, you can imagine the climax. yup. 
it made me want a cup of tea. 

a mere 16 years later at submission, playing to my "draw" of next to none, as my usual draw over the last decade and a half has consisted of the guy i was currently fucking and maybe one other friend.  however, having just celebrated my 4th SAN(e)niversary of Embracing Hopelessness in which i gave up sex + relationships, i have also recently ceased instigating conversations with people who talk to me as if i'm a cardboard cutout of a very scary monster and not a person, so you do the math. it's important to note, shows have never been about "blowing up" for me, i usually prefer smaller crowds so i don't shit myself, but also because it has nothing to do with money or rock star whatever, over the years, it has moved more and more into the realm of devotional, an act done in reverence for the activity itself, cuz there is nothing else quite like that feeling of Being In The River.

20 minutes in, i hit room tone.  i have never hit room tone at this level of massively loud with a sweetly balanced korg analogue synth signal before ~ and OOOOOOOHHHHHH MMMYYYY GGUUUUUUUUUDDDDDD.........for a long series of moments, i sat there feeling all things vibrating themselves apart in that bass frequency.  i was sure everyone's solar plexus felt the same as mine, but i was so in love with Sound at that moment, i wouldn't have noticed anyone or anything else in the room...... other than a couple former coworkers and the girl who asked me to come and play the show (wanted to tell her thanks for inviting me, but she left while i was packing up gear) so, with all the people i knew gone already, in this roomful of strangers, i entertained myself with thoughts of this being My Big Going Away Party. 

then i saw my roommate/landlord come in, the One person who hates my existence to such an extent it has made life at bleakhaus into an absurd french film most of the time.  it's hard to be in spaces where there was once so much joy and light and see it now filled only with darkness and derision. but since my role as the scapegoat/common enemy will of course, have to be filled by someone else once i leave, i'd hate to see how that pans out. it's become a mental mantra, the image of Escaping this Trap of Stagnation, finally being free from the demon-like infestation of all things and people evil. So many objects are marked for sacrifice in the beach bonfire i will build during the upcoming solar eclipse. 

due to the fact that i am "such a downer", this thought of This Is My Life Slash Big Going Away Party was at a level of depressing so deep down in the gorge of abysmal after living here for 20 years, that it was instantly fucking hilarious!! so i laughed a lot with my monumentally melodramatic abandonment issues -- who were now joined by my Total Defiance Of Men Who Want Me To Fuckin Die If I'm Not Gonna Do Whatever For Them -- and schlepped my shit home down mission street, giggling most of the way. 

i am sure i have never felt so alone in my life, but am weirdly ok with it...it's so...weird.

the best part of the night was the sound guy K2, who answered my technical question without the slightest hint of condescension or arrogance and made the entire experience so much more pleasurable by helping me LEARN SOMETHING...and i like learning things. i especially like when other people actually HELP me learn things instead of hoarding knowledge or intentionally misleading my unending curiosities.....curiosities that have never killed any cats in the past, curiosities that keep me just interested in life enough to stop me from jumping off the golden gate bridge, which is good, i think. though some others might disagree. but when i do fiddle with thoughts of suicide, doing the things i am afraid to do in life always seem like an easier option to deal with -- cuz ultimately, It Doesn't Matter if i decide to go there or stay here, or live now and die later, or cut bait or switch, cuz in every single scenario of every decision made ever, all that results from anything is:
YOU + DEALING WITH = THIS.


unfortunately, i had the formula backwards all these years - i always expected the best out of people and was constantly disappointed, but expected shit from situations and usually got shit, so at some point, it finally dawned on me that i need to flip that around - and stop expecting anything from people, and instead only expect good things from choices and changes and situations in life i can manifest for myself.  reactions to reality you can control, but why waste time thinking another person can or should be influenced by your control?  how up-yer-own ass would you have to be to think you need to control someone else's decisions in life? 

when i think back on dudes that i knew had crushes on me, and had that notion for a minute, "i could probably get him to do ____ for me" but within 10 seconds, i felt sick and knew that mindset is against my nature. the mindset of GET. it's all we do most of the time, it's what capitalism has turned us into, animals that have to GET GET GET. never GIVE. (funny thing for a "shady junkie" to say, huh? yup, folks know me SOOOOO well....cuz they've all spent SOOOOOO much time hanging out with me......HA HA HA) ..... so after having been on the other end of the GETTING stick for so long with my Obvious Dumb Girl Crushes on dudes that would then use me for this and that, and show off my gullible loyalty for shits & giggles - i always wondered how the fuck a person could do that to someone else and still be able to sleep at night? and i NEVER wanna be on the receiving end of the OVERGIVING stick either -- cuz it SUX BAWLZ having to say in 8 million different ways that get increasingly harsh with each non-listened to version "I AM NOT INTO YOU LIKE THAT, I DO NOT HAVE ANY SEXUAL ATTRACTION TOWARD YOU (or anyone for that matter) & I DO NOT WANT TO BE YOUR GF, OR ANY OTHER THING LIKE THAT."  playing any kind of game with other people's emotions seems so heartless and honestly, DANGEROUS. no good can possibly come of it, so what is the fucking point of it? it's thoughts like these about people's behavior that make me SO FUCKING GRATEFUL FOR MUSIC & ART, that i can spend endless hours engaged in playful activities that do not allow space in my brain to know how to Play People.

i heard a hipster douchebag walking down the street the other day say to his coworker/friend, "yeah, that guy is SO SENSITIVE about everything, it makes it Really Easy to Make Fun Of Him..." so i guess that IS the goal for most "well-adjusted" individuals...entertain yourself and others by attacking the sensitive - who has almost always been attacked since day one, thus the sensitivity. ugh. gross. and boring.

it's no wonder people go on killing sprees when the bullshit in the sandbox NEVER GOES AWAY throughout adulthood and yer stuck dealing with the same 4th grade shit post 40 yrs old.... but since i do not understand why people do or say the things they do 99% of the time, trying to figure out Other People would be fantastically futile....and that's when i say out loud to myself in one of several thick accents, "Sometimes, it's OK TO NOT UNDERSTAND" or in Hal's computer voice, "This Conversation Serves No Greater Purpose, DAVE" or in a (nothing like) Christopher Walken voice "Forget about it ~~ Now It's The Year For People-Free Thinking" whereupon i will engage in learning how to focus all this never-ending rage i have for society in general & the raping of planet earth by corporate greed into consciousness, activism, lucidity, in communion with music and art, off in my own space, making time sacred.  

you won't need my cell phone number because i know you will never call me. 
also it does not exist. 

and please californian confrontation-phobics, try to learn how to say NO. 
it really is ok. 
no one is going to shoot you, or hate you. they might even like you better. 
it's respectful to say NO, in fact, because it doesn't waste anyone's time, and others can make informed decisions when they know you are NOT gonna do whatever they're waiting for you to do.  once you start saying NO it's hard to stop, cuz it feels so much better to not fuck around with yourself or anyone else. NO has made life more POSITIVE, more DIRECT, less higglety-pigglety, less fearful, less lame...

NO is a GOOD THING. 
and thank you, 
i'm glad you came all this way.

*u can call me ph!*